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This has been kicking around in my head for awhile. We’ve all heard the term burnout, and we might use it colloquially to express feelings of being overworked, tired, stressed as a result of continuous exertion. We might try to fix it with a weekend getaway, maybe a spa day or a hike out in nature. But I don’t hear so much about long term burnout, the kind that small breaks can’t fix.

I haven’t worked in a number of years now and it’s because I spent a lifetime of masking my neurodivergency. I was in complete denial about how much I was really struggling. I thought I could keep it up just through sheer force of will. But masking is a bill that comes due and it collects interest like a loan shark. Eventually the feelings of sadness, ineptitude, and utter apathy broke me. I’ve not been the same since.

I wonder how many people like me are out there. How many others are paralyzed by their past, people who burn midnight oil attempting small tasks to bandage the remnants of their life together. It’s inherently an isolating experience and one that garners little sympathy from others. We’re derided as lazy, contemptible, inert to the going-ons of life itself.

Lately, I’ve been working out a lot. I’ve been socializing, I’ve been writing, I try to put effort into life. It went well for a while but I rode the line too far. I’m back to being weary, irritable. I try to push myself, but my body doesn’t let me. Even cleaning my room is starting to backslide and I’ve been on top of it all summer. No one really gets this. To them I’m being dramatic, emotional. But I’m burnt out.